Here is my latest vlog post. Oy, this is getting more weirder every time!
Here is my latest vlog post. Oy, this is getting more weirder every time!
Yes, I do.
I do not make any money on my posts. I don’t share everything, or else it is no longer mine. About a month ago I had a major breakdown of the mental type. I have been rebounding ever since. I have decided to go off my meds, as the effects were debilitating. For those who have been reading along, you have seen this before and I am sure you have placed bets when it would happen again. I am physically suffering from lack of chemical support, the same support that may have given me a false sense of security.
I blame myself for the place I am in. I asked for treatment. I will admit things were going so well, as I had done things I never thought I would never do. A confidence built up and came crashing down like a meteor. I have suffered with more panic attacks since I’ve been on the meds. I have been a witness to a mental breakdown once and I realised the life of this person changed forever.
Social media has helped in the development of relationships and contacts with those like me. Unfortunately, it has also come as a place of judgement and big mistakes. I keep my statuses public due to the fact I have been in touch with people I would not normally befriend. This connection also allows for more people to read my blog posts.
It also allows for stalkers.
I have left my whole life open, but I don’t mention my friends or co-workers by name. Richard is mentioned, but he has given permission. I feel there are moments of sadness in the person who reported my breakdown to my boss instead of approaching me. This person isn’t on my friends list.
I will be reviewing my medication with my doctor. The prescription for the one I was on has expired. What am I doing instead? Well, I am back to writing. I am creating music mixes, crafting projects are back in track and I am reading. My advice? I don’t have any, except see a doctor and get couciling. Question the meds you’re given.
Most of all, surround yourself with goodness and love.
If you feel you don’t fit in with a group, whether it being your workplace, a family function, or a Facebook collective, please remember that you were hired, born into, or invited for a reason. In some cases, the very people who roped you in may feel the same way. I am not saying you should do a survey, but I have a sneaking suspicion I am pretty close.
You may have people tell you to adjust your behaviour, yet it seems the one who has served thirty years at the same job (for example) did not get the same message. This may be true, but you also don’t know what changes they’ve made before you arrived on the scene; they may have been a lot worse. Stuff went on before you/me arrived. That is not to say we do not need some improvement, only thing to do is review the criticism (as this is what it is 98% of the time) and take stock of what can be changed versus what you think should be changed. Remember, you may feel you are in a place that is the personification of inbred cocker spaniels doing human things, but your introduction may have off-set the balance. You may have to re-calibrate yourself at first then slowly introduce your real self.
Goodness gracious, change can be good … for everyone. Speaking on a personal level, I am so lucky to have been able to express my innermost feelings (at a price), my dreams (no matter how far-fetched), and my artistic abilities (relating to finished projects). Take pride in change, even the bad ones. Of course, the bad one is not good, but the good one will not be bad.
I am not the same person I was two years ago or five days ago. We all have something holding us back and something pushing us forward. I have made concessions, agreements, and promises – some of these welcomed, some through sheer disapproval. Now, you know that not everyone will like you, and in turn, you will not like them. That is part of human nature. Actually, not all lions get along, so it is a NATURE thing, human or Panthera leo. Do not be upset; yet on the flipside, do not be the one upsetting. The thing about relationships is sometimes it is not about you, me, him, or her. Other times is is always about you, me, him, or her. Developing a good relationship comes with altering behaviour and accepting behaviour.
Forget the saying “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.” That is a ridiculous concept. You should be prepared to support, or as I do, carry people in your heart. You cannot experience a person’s joys and sufferings, and they cannot do the same for you. We are only witnesses to each other’s happenings, whether we are physically there or we hear about it over the waves. Compassion is the key to surviving the relationship thing. When I was a practicing Christian, I found it more difficult to care about someone, for fear I was doing it wrong. No, I take that back, I cared differently. Now that I have stepped aside, I see compassion exists. There are people who I have worked with who believe in the power of the Ouija even though it is a made-up game. I giggle, but I have learned not to mention this out loud. I have seen charitableness in a thousand-million forms from my Christian brothers and sisters with no judgement (well, maybe a bit, but they are human). My Atheist and Agnostic cohorts are some of the first to step up and help someone in need. That is awesome!
It is also a crutch.
We all have background things to deal with, some are more frontal than others. I am not afraid to share. Hey, it’s all part of healing. I have learned to be nice to everyone, obvs. I have also learned to carry secrets. I have experienced high-school behaviour amongst forty year old adults. We all have. Granted, some of us are guilty of being one of the accused. Be honest.
Please, let’s all just be good to each other. Stop collecting info on Facebook, start collecting Pokémon. I do not have the capacity to work at your high-speed level. You may not be able to comprehend the works of Geoffrey Chaucer. Teamwork, I think is the word I am looking for. We are in this together, but sometimes others are more enthusiastic than their partners. Punishing a friend or a co-worker for a meltdown is not how we are supposed to get things done.
Humiliation is not the key to compliance. I do not like a clean desktop (the one on a desk not a computer). You may not like photographs in silver frames. As I mentioned earlier, we need to accept the fact we need to make adjustments, we have quotas to fill, we have cupcakes to make, and sometimes the procedures change. Like living in a new city, we have to learn to read a new map.
We need to rely on each other to make sure the squeaky wheel gets greased. We need to follow the rules, yet be prepared to change things up. We all have gifts and skills along with issues and problems. If a co-worker does something to piss you off, say something. Don’t shun and play favourites; it makes you look silly. It is up to us to encourage each other and break down barriers.
By breaking down barriers, I do not mean break the coffee pot.
Today is another day of rain, but you know what? Nothing. That’s all I have. I have been trying to keep a positive outlook on this, however, some people are not helping.
I want to change this. My depression is taking a bigger bite and it is affecting how I come across. I want my jolly self back. I want your help with this. Sure, we all complain about something; it’s our nature. There is goodness in you and in me.
I want that back.
So, let’s make a deal. The next person to complain about the rain gets a pair of underwear.
There will be no cost to you. I need to save for New Brunswick next summer, the UK in 2018 and the next special edition New Order single released tomorrow, but you are worth it!
I am not apolgising for stepping away for a bit, I have been in need of a brain rest. Today (24 July 2016) is the last day of my week-long break from work. It is my first holiday in almost two years. I have been working in the yard and loving it. I have also spent much of my free time doing some music notating, transposing, arranging and studying the Circle of Fifths:
I am making my second Classical music mix. I am nowhere near as talented as those who do this for a hobby or a living. I do not have the gear and the magic buttons on my pooter. Ruddy heck, I don’t even know if I got the terms right. Argh. I was a bit embarrassed to do my first one:
I have decided not to compete with the others. I do not have the money or the experience to upgrade to a better system. Then again, do I have to? No. Music is a personal expression and there should be no uncomfortable feelings. I had to Google (which is now a verb and a noun) EDM. At first I thought that was a form of adult “communicating”, however, it means ‘Electronic Dance Music’. I admit this to all of you because I have no reason to be embarrassed.
A recent article came up on the BBC Radio Three website regarding the reasons why some people find Classical music difficult to comprehend and accept:
I want to make my own list of 11 points, but in relation to the electronic/techno/house movement. The reasons can be transposed from Classical to any form of music. I mean no offence to my friends who will be reading this. Thankfully they are great to allow me to not not know very much and are more than willing to answer my questions.
Gigs are too long – Oh boy, can they ever! Though I have not been to a live DJ show, I heard they can go on for hours. I listen to programmes on the Internet , which are two to three hours. When you take into account a remix of one an Enya songs is just over eight minutes, a gig can be filled with longer diddies:
Here is the original:
In all honesty, the remix is better. Sometimes longer is better. Raves, as I think the nsme still applies, are meant to last almost forevet. I would love it.
I find the theme song to Friends to be too long.
Gigs are to expensive – An Interwireless device has allowed me to listen to DJ sets from as far away as Hungary, Malta, Brighton and London. Most of the presenters on do their shows free of charge on various Internet radio stations. I have yet to pay-for-listing. I believe they may also pay for the privilege to play their sets. Most of the DJs have full-time jobs during the regular work week. Accountants can be bass-ass master mixers. Yo, baby!
It’s Groupist – To avoid this label, there is a bit of a class element here. I am plain girl from the Prairies who studied music. I was teased for going to a school with no band programme. My knowledge of dance music came via Friday night’s “Electric Circus” on MuchMusic. I sometimes feel out of place when I enter conversations regarding famous DJs because I have never heard of them. As mentioned, my friends have been great to let me ask questions as well as play along. I spend a heck of a lot of time on der Google when I listen to a show.
There is too much stuff to know – I cannot give a comment to this, as I am still an outsider. I think there are “rules” with regards to how many effects are added to a mix. You can have too much reverb, apparently: 10 tell-tale signs of an amateur mix (2)
You feel left out – Like any club, there are those who want to keep the doors closed and only allow someone in who is the right person, that is how human being operate. I have been made to feel more than welcome by the people in the DJ world, and they have been receptive to the music I have introduced them to. Except Thomas Tallis, no one seems to appreciate Thomas Tallis.
I have not heard of anybody – Oh yes, that is me most of the time. I am part of a few music review groups on Facebook and I see an array of selections by artists such as:
and so much more. This is an excuse. YouTube, MixCloud, SoundCloud, Bandcamp, and other music sharing sites are a great way to delve into newness. I have picked up a liking for Gregory Porter this way:
The music is in outer space – I heard this a lot when I first came across dance music, house music and the like. Funny how people jumped on the Fatboy Slim craze, but find works by artists like Taka Perry to be “out there” and “complete shite”:
There are so many Classical composers who were (and still are) treated this way. It has nothing to do with the genre just people being afraid to try new things. Like Thomas Tallis.
There is no “original” music – I thought that as well, but as I mentioned earlier, Classical composers reused their music and others. There are a number of original works done by DJs. Remixes, usually songs released previously, are melded into a one-off creation:
It does not fit in my world – Well, I don’t like Family Guy or Star Trek or Brussels sprouts, but that does not mean they do not fit in my world. I have friends and family that love one or all three of those things, and they are in my world. You have the choice not to listen in the end, however, try starting a new beginning by taking a leap into another universe:
(you gotta love his hats!)
I don’t know where to begin – Do what I did, go to YouTube and be random. It also helps to surround yourself is an odd (in a good way) mix of friends. Take a look at the music they post, there may be odd dance mix or jazz song that is catchy. Look for remixes of a favourite song; you never know what you’ll find:
It is loud, repetetive and no semblance of order – Yes, much like J S Bach:
There is the odd time I just can’t take some of the DJ’s choices, and I too say the music is complex and too big for my brain. It can take a while for a song to get started and then it does not seem to end (alluding to the first point). But this is the joy of making music. You cannot have symmetry in music, no matter what the masters tell you:
I have no closing statement. I will leave you with this:
(1) McAloon, Jonathan. “The 11 Obstacles to Liking Classical Music (and Why They’re All in Your Mind).” Proms – The World’s Greatest Classical Music Festival. Copyright © 2016 BBC, 13 July 2016. Web. 24 July 2016.
(2) “10 Tell-tale Signs of an Amateur Mix.” MusicRadar. © Future Publishing Limited Quay House, The Ambury, Bath BA1 1UA. All Rights Reserved. England and Wales Company Registration Number 2008885., 7 June 2012. Web. 24 July 2016.
There are so many ways I can take this, but I think I will keep it personal. The BBC has a great visual of the results of the British EU Referendum, what some called BREXIT.
On Facebook I have a group in my possé that voted “Remain” and some voted “Leave”. Each were emotional, empathetic, bitter, and in some cases down-right mean. I am an observer from Canada, so I technically do not have an opinion; but do I???
Yes, the pound took a thirty-year all time low hit last night (early morning), but I would get four more pounds for a hundred today than I would have yesterday, according to the Bank of Canada. That is not significant, but over time it could be, or not. Canada has just started to come out of a low dollar episode, which I feel directly at the place I work. Québec City did not get an expansion NHL team due to our shitty dollar.
Not that it is the same thing.
I took a lot of guff when I tried to convince my friends and family in Canada to vote out the Conservative Party in the general election last year. It worked for the most part, except the riding I live in voted in higher numbers for the Tories. They seemed to be blind to the fact our MP, Kelly Block, wrote a pamphlet criticising immigrants and denied (though proven in parliamentary papers) that she was involved with the Robo-Call scandal. It seems fear lead people to make decisions, though unpopular, with their emotions, not the wider aspect of the future.
I think the case for the exit from the European Union was made out of the same ingredients. The migrant crisis, the belief in the dissolution of the NHS (much like the Canadian Medicare system), and the need to be British without an extra branding on the passport:
I think what scares me more about this whole thing is the fact that Canadians see this as a rallying cry. So many have posted on Canadian media pages regard this vote as a vote for “independence”, a vote for “bringing Britain back”, and “Hail to the New United Kingdom” (an actual quote). Canadians, as I pointed out to a friend in the UK, are a hidden kind of stupid.
I refuse to pay to use this photo, so I am keeping their watermark on the picture. BTW, this is NOT an example of “independence day”.
There were a few remarks regarding the xenophobia and racism that stemmed from the seeds planted prior to the vote. I will say that not everyone who voted to Leave are racists or bigots or xenophobes, in fact, one has helped me come to terms with my sexuality; just someone wanting the government to have more control over their economic standing. I respect my friend’s choice; I accept my friend’s choice. I understand the sadness and the anger when “hate” leads people to vote in a direction that is different from your own.
Today I saw so many people angry, sad, worried (and some for very good reason). I want you all to know, regardless of what side you were on, you need to remember to love each other. It is very difficult to do, I know. If that does not work, watch this:
(1) “EU Referendum Results – BBC News.” BBC News. Copyright © 2016 BBC, 24 June 2016. Web. 24 June 2016.
I apologise for not stepping in here a little bit. Long bit, more like it. I need to discuss my feelings, my fears and my hopes that have sprung up since that awful moment in Orlando on 12 June, 2016.
I have been busy making stuff out of rocks, string, glue, music and trying to grow vegetables. I was finishing up a gift for a friend when I heard the news.
I have been questioning my own self as of late, and I am excited to be free of holding my true self in a room with no air, but Sunday scared the shit out of me. On Saturday I became more settled in the state of time I am living in. My stories are evolving, now I need to get back to writing them down to be looked at. The weather is making it more complicated because it is so warm. My rheumatoid arthritis is enjoying the warmth and keeping calm whilst carrying on. I have not been reading much lately, but then, summer makes it tough to curl up with a good book. See, real life continues through the questions and the answers.
I have a new haircut:
I have decided to go blonde and pink. This haircut also has caused some awful names, the primary one being “butch”.
Some of you may have seen my videos. The videos of me being me. You may only know me through my wordsmithing on der Facebooken, but I have started to open up more, thanks to some great people I have found over the ocean. I have disclosed my secrets, my feelings and my fears. My friends are trustworthy, caring, progressive, and most of all, loving. I am so lucky to have become friends with a great bunch over the Atlantic.
Not seagulls. The ones in Cornwall are the size of oxen.
(Photo courtesy of usedwigs.com)
I came across an interesting post yesterday (13 June) questioning why there has been no coverage of the events in Orlando. I had a WTF moment. Being the distributor of useless information, I shared the following link: http://www.patheos.com/Progressive-Christian. Without divulging too much, I got into a bit of trouble when I was told some people took offence to my comment as to why the pastors in Waldheim do not empathise with the LGBTQ community. Let’s just say one church included the fallen in their prayers on Sunday.
I have to give the pastor a lot of credit, considering his other sermons which were not even close to kind. One sermon (by the associate pastor) basically said gay people should be banned from the church. The infamous quote “love the sinner, hate the sin” was introduced by one person in regard to how they would handle their child being gay. Yes, you still need to love them, but not accepting their sexual orientation is pretty damn near abandonment. I met some great LGBTQ youth at a function on Friday and Saturday. The love and compassion for the Lord they want to spread across the span of the world is amazing considering their own lifestyle is a grievous sin – apparently. No comment was made when I mentioned God is their only judge.
Richard and I have started our UK trip planning. We are looking at 2018, but I could go over yesterday. Richard asked if I would move to the UK and I would if I could work at my job from there. I am selfish; my job is keeping me here. I have never been so relaxed and content in my job life. I would miss even the most irksome moments if I moved. Moving to Saskatoon is a more acceptable option, sadly. Moving from Waldheim will not take me away from the hatred, but it will remove me from burning something down with my heated, angry heart. There was contempt shown to me by someone who agreed there should be more compassion. My husband and my friends know the true meaning of compassion.
After going over the event of Sunday I figured it is not me with the problem. As a friend said, in regards to the gay question, “things are no longer black and white.” My LGBTQ brothers and sisters who died and were seriously injured left more than their emptiness here, but grieving families and friends. Being more compassionate to your gay, lesbian, transgender and bisexual son or daughter takes a lot more than mere words. A review of your own morals and changes to your reading of the Word may help in figuring this all out. As I told the mother-in-question: “spend some time with those in the LGBTQ community” and suggested a more progressive look at the biblical world around her.
The conversation ended abruptly. Well lady, I’m not done.
Here is my latest vlog post. I originally posted this directly to my Facebook page, but most of you are not on my friends list, and because I do not want to leave you out of the loop, you can find my creation here:
I have spent the last week getting our yard to finally look like a yard. Richard and I will be spending the May long weekend with my parents, but Mum and I will be doing some garden work – which she found out about by reading this. I need to pick up some seeds if I plan on growing anything, I think. I should not be putting my mum to work on what is to be a family visit, however, I do not get to spend as time with her as I did when I lived in Regina. Plus, I would like to get my garden started soon.
After mowing the lawn, which was done in two parts, I felt horrible. On Saturday I finished planting the last four juniper plants we have decided to make our back fence. We chose not to share a wooden version with Neighbor / Co-worker, as the cost was mostly beyond our scope, and if there is problem with it, I know there will be a bit of a grumble match to see who fixes it. On a side note: the sons in that house are very good kids, as Richard told me. He works with them in the youth group at his church. Too bad that kindness has not transferred to the dad.
Enough about that.
After coming home on Saturday from the garden place, I saw the lawn covered in dandelions. Every morning I feel a dread of the yard covered with these yellow weeds, and even more seeing the spread over the property line into the neighbour’s yard. Last year we tried sprays, pulling, and mowing, but to no avail. As I walked with my wares to the back, I noticed two bees hovering over a clump of the yellow beasts. I stared for a bit, then went on to the back. Three more. One seated casually on one of the already-planted junipers. Six altogether.
Six bees using my space for doing what they do best. Awe and some!!! I did eventually have to mow the dandelions, as our grass was getting a bit unsightly. In all honesty, I would not mind setting a patch to be left on its own. My old garden space does get away every now and then, but I am compelled to trim it down so it does not become an eyesore. Maybe I can plant some hardy flowers to help take care of the weeds. Leaving a part go back to nature will help the with the bees. Mind you, the deer and the other outdoor animals may like the stuff here as well, but some of the people living on the acreages just down from us leave bales of hay for the deer and moose during the winter. I don’t want to draw the animals in, however, it is going to happen regardless.
During the first mowing session I happened to glance at the yard across the alley. Raised boxes, charted spaces and a woman hoeing a straight line made me sad. I am behind on the planting. Why does this bother me? Sure her stuff may survive, but it does not make me a failure. I do not wish for a bad crop, as the work and money gone into her plots are still worth every little bit.
My mother is bringing a tree and a pumpkin plant. I need to get my big bucket ready to take the pumpkin in. I have a few squash seeds to put in the bucket as well. Radishes, carrots, tomatoes, lettuce, cucumbers, beans, and very sore body parts are on the order for this year’s gardening experience.
Hey! Dandelions make good wine, apparently.